Razzle

Marriage Eve

2011-12-16T09:54:00.001-06:00

I read something just now that reminded me of who I want to me. Who I am working to be, and who I feel I am not yet. But we are growing, and I pray that I continue to grow and that we all continue to learn, change, and grow until we breathe our last breath. In the spirit of Christmas and marriage and new beginnings, I want to post what I read. It's from this website, http://www.fischtank.com/. My father sends the daily post to my e-mail every morning. Today's is so beautiful and true.

Not all experiences in giving are victorious. Spit and the smell of urine is very offensive, but wasn't the Lord of Lords born in straw poverty and animal poop? Good thing He wasn't offended.

To recognize there is no difference between you and someone that is homeless is good, but to embrace that equality and rejoice together is to have an encounter with Christ. And then, to unite is good, but to respect differences, better. Looking into the eyes of someone lost is to find a beautiful reflection of you. The reason we are asked to walk together before the Son is so we can share equally in the cleansing and the refreshing cries of thanksgiving.

It is ok to be glad when you are warm and someone else is cold, it is just not okay to keep him waiting.

See a homeless person as an angel, and know he is watching.

Greet everyone as a guest on his way to the banquet. If you are lucky, he might ask you to join him.

Now, how about your neighbor? Did you hand-deliver a set of candles to brighten up his home? Did you invite him over for a game of charades and give him a chance to see you as vulnerable as he feels? The heck with walking the old lady across the street, take your own sack of bones and walk across the street to give your neighbor a merry note about how much you appreciate him. Laugh out loud because there is more to find that is funny about you than there is about anyone else. Don't take yourself so seriously. The Lord, if He chooses, will use you when you are most vulnerable-just so the recipient doesn't get confused about who is the bearer and who is the Christ.

I'm always disappointed with banana bread . . .

2011-02-06T15:54:00.000-06:00

I decided to make my own recipe. I found it to be moist, lower in fat, and more flavorful than the recipes I have used in the past.

Put that oven on 325ºF. Spray a 9x5 inch loaf pan.

You need:

2 eggs
1/3 cup lowfat buttermilk
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup light sour cream
1 cup mashed bananas

1.5 cups sugar
1.75 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. vanilla

Beat those eggs with a fork. Then add the rest of the wet stuff. Mix it up with a spoon. Add all the dry stuff to the wet stuff. If you want to add more cinnamon or vanilla, you should. Then put it in the pan, and I personally like to put some treats on top before I put it in the oven. Rolled oats and cinnamon are tasty, or you can throw on some chocolate chips or nuts. Whatever you like.

Bake it for 1 hour and 20 minutes.

I hope you like it. :)

In 2011...

2011-01-28T10:33:00.002-06:00

So, after reading a friend's blog, I decided that I would share a little. I have to say, I'm glad 2010 is over. It felt like a limbo year, and I guess life still feels limboish, but as each day of 2011 rolls by, I feel more and more like I'm walking steady. I thought I was going crazy last semester, who knew that graduate school came with so much anxiety. But I have a confidence about things this semester that I'm very thankful for. I'm learning so much, and I really do love social work. There is much that I can do with it, and I have to not get ahead of myself and worry about whether or not I will ever use this degree or what I will do with it. Right now it doesn't matter, and what matters is what I'm doing right now. And I'm learning . . . from books and from people. Some things I'm learning are sad things, and some things make me angry. Some things are just plain unfair, and they make my heart heavy.

About that, my internship is in the child welfare system. It's full of sad stories, and then a few here and there that make it worthwhile. I'm still undecided about whether or not I could actually do this job myself. It sounds so pessimistic, but it's not. Like my mentor always says, "it is what it is." Out of everything I have heard and seen so far, the one thing that is sticking in my head is this: no matter what a biological parent may do, the kid will love that parent and the kid will want love from that parent. I find that fascinating. It's nice to think that a person can adopt a 16 year old kid, love them, never abuse them, support them in every way possible, and life will be wonderful. And sometimes it is, but . .

My theory is that people want to be wanted by their creator. To be rejected . . . separated from . . . abused by your creator . . . damages a person more than any other hell a person lives in this life. The greatest currency in this world is love. It is what makes Jesus more powerful than any other man, god, religious leader, etc . . . He trumps everyone and everything. As powerful as he is, he only takes the amount of hell in your life that you will give him. So these children may feel the pain of their childhood their entire life, and in spite of that pain, Jesus offers another thing that may be easier to take than love, and that my friends, is hope! :)

A gate, an entrance, an exit, a defense, a sanctuary, a refuge

2010-12-09T22:48:00.001-06:00

God is so spontaneous. I hear him speaking out of nowhere. He finds me where I am. He finds us all whether we want him to or not. He tells me things that I have heard my whole life, but somehow it's new. It's alive. It's like I'm hearing it for the first time. It was about this verse, and I think the message version said it best.

John 10:10
Jesus told this simple story, but they had no idea what he was talking about. So he tried again. "I'll be explicit, then. I am the Gate for the sheep. All those others are up to no good—sheep stealers, every one of them. But the sheep didn't listen to them. I am the Gate. Anyone who goes through me will be cared for—will freely go in and out, and find pasture. A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

Some thoughts

2010-10-03T21:04:00.000-05:00

I miss Japan more than anywhere I have ever been. I think it will be the next place I visit again or maybe Disneyworld...
Life is perfect when you can sleep with the windows open.
Sometimes I hate that the internet isn't real life, and wish that real life was just real life, and life was full of in-person talking and visits involving pies and cookies, and that it would all disappear and people had house phones again...maybe I just wish I was a kid again.
Grad school is really hard, and I actually give a crap (maybe too much of one) so I am constantly busy!
I wish that Jesus always felt really close, or really I wish he was just here in person. Sometimes I think that if I could see him, it would help me remember him more.
I don't like talking on the phone much anymore, but when you miss people A LOT you just have to do it.
I love my new cat. She likes to cuddle and she has the softest fur.
My boyfriend Matt is selfless and humble. It's refreshing.
I can't wait till Christmas. I can smell it, it's coming.
I can't believe that I understand football a little and watch it a little too...weird...
I'm almost out of Golden Syrup!
I'm happy that I have two legs, and live near a beautiful beach, and get to drink coffee everyday.
I'm getting sleepy.

Must have doughnuts!!

2010-05-25T22:45:00.003-05:00

I really love doughnuts. I can't say that I have always loved doughnuts, but lately I think about them a lot. I even know where to find the best doughnuts. In case you were wondering, Publix makes a killer doughnut. In order to find them, you have to try them! My waistline may not be happy, but my tastebuds are...

The lateset doughnut destination that has been added to my brain is a dreamy shop called Voodoo Doughnut. They're crazy and they make crazy doughnuts! You can even get married at their doughtnut shop. Sadly, it's all the way in Portland. If you are ever there, try one for me, and I hope to someday try one myself!

http://www.voodoodoughnut.com/

Country Music ... One of the best things about being American

2010-03-11T12:24:00.001-06:00

I changed my mind, and decided to blog again. You see, I got a lot of time on my hands. Right now I'm just thinking about what it is about country music? What it is that I love? I think I've figured it out ... it simplifies life. It's gets to the core of how if feels to be a human. Pain, addiction, love, loss, redemption, grace, forgiveness, family, and the open road. For me, that open road symbolizes freedom. I'd say there isn't one of us out there that doesn't yearn to just dive into that open road, and drive, drive, drive. So, that's what I like about country music. It makes me want to be free, free of everything, everything like worry. It helps me see the nonsense in it all. What do you like about it?

Christmas in Japan...

2009-12-21T10:12:00.002-06:00

So, it's not quite the same. It's not here yet, but I hear that they do things a little differently. Most people work on Christmas day. It's not a holiday like it is in America. Christmas isn't for families, New Year's is, so at Christmas you buy a beautiful, mini cake ... it's called a Christmas cake. You eat it with your boyfriend or girlfriend, so hopefully you have one of those ... otherwise you may be real sad. Then you also eat something hilarious.... KFC! It's a Japanese tradition. Mariah Carey also seems to be popular, well this particular Christmas hit. Check out this live version...

I have heard it in the grocery store, at the mall...I think the giant Christmas tree downtown, that plays music as the lights flash, even played it! Last night I saw a brass band play it live!

Just remember... don't be shy. Maybe try a little "all I want for Christmas is you" and then you can eat KFC and CAKE!

The Neverending Story

2009-11-23T06:32:00.001-06:00

I was just thinking that there is this tendency in me to only believe what I see. Sometimes things look really hopeless, but there is something in humans, something really strange in humans. Something good. We have this ability to believe in what we can't see. The people in the Holocaust who knew everyone was being killed, and they still tried to live. They must have had hope because when there is an absence of hope, that is when people want to die. I often wonder how people who struggled more than I may ever struggle had hope, when all they saw was death. In this realm that is the human reality, they didn't see it. You can't see hope, but then why do we have it? When I look at this picture, I believe in so many things that I can't see. It shows me all that I don't know. We're all pretty small compared to this photo and where does that leave us without hope?

I want to believe in things that I can't see more. I want to think about what gives people hope when they shouldn't have it. I want to be real because this parking lot, concrete, physical reality isn't enough for me.

Is it possible that what I see with my eyes closed is what's real? I think it is. If so, is it possible that this isn't completely real? That it's missing something? I think so.

Look at that photo. It's called Deep Field and the Hubble Space Telescope took it in 1995. Who knows how far it goes. It may go forever.

So, I am going to look for what is really real in this world. The truth about people. The truth about a hopeless life. The truth about a hopeless country. Because if it's not about what we see and it's not about what people say, then it's got to be about something..."So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." I love that.

The Food!

2009-11-22T00:11:00.003-06:00

I am going to try to write more about Japan, k?

I am living with a family instead of by myself. I am enjoying being here with them. Akiko is Japanese and Joshua is American. They have two little girls that are really unique.

Right now, everyday consists of eating rice with miso soup. I love miso soup. Japanese rice is stickier and tastier. I make lots of fried rice too, with this delicious paste that I don't know how to say yet. I always wondered why I couldn't make fried rice as delicious as the restaurants, and now I know. I am bringing a can home for sure.

Japanese bakeries are wonderful. They are different than American bakeries and French bakeries too. The bread here is light and soft. I love this one item, it's soft bread wrapped around a hot dog on a stick, with some ketchup. I could eat so many of them. It looks really nice too. I will have to take a picture.

Mandarins here are the best. They're like dessert. In Japanese they are called mikans, みかん mi-ka-n. There is a real sweet treat called mochi ice cream. If you haven't heard of mochi, it's made from rice and it's like a gooey dough. Mochi ice cream is a small ball of ice cream with mochi around it, and you eat it on a little plastic stick that comes in the container. America needs it. You can even buy mochi balls on a stick covered in a sweet soy sauce. Gooey is good!!!

Sashimi! You can just buy raw tuna, salmon, squid, and octopus at the grocery store. It's so fresh here and not too expensive. All I am talking about is food... :D I always do that.

I want you to play that piano Mr.

2009-11-21T09:44:00.003-06:00

Right now I am in Japan and all I want to listen to is classical music. If my life was an anime, there would be notes in the air. Sometimes, they would be moving slowly and other times they would be moving quickly, with intensity. I hear the piano playing when I am in my room, and then I open the window to find that it's coming from the neighbor's house. Everything is so close here that the music travels to me! I was riding my bike the other day and I was on this peaceful bike path. The houses are right next to the path, so close that I again heard someone playing. It was beautiful. It was magical.
Arthur Rubenstein was a phenomenal piano player. He brought the notes to life, the emotion in them. Listen to him play Moonlight Sonata. I played this for a piano recital as a kid, and it's always been one of my favorites. I imagine Beethoven played it just this way.

Watashi no namaiwa Rachel desu. My name is Rachel　：ー）

2009-11-05T03:19:00.016-06:00

わたしのなまえはレイチエルです。

So, I am in Japan. Hamamatsu, Japan. It has been one week exactly. The jet-lag is starting to wear off. This time was worse than ever before. I felt like I got punched!

I can't believe I am here after dreaming about it for so long. It is strange to be somewhere that you dreamed about because you have this idea of it, then really being there is often different. Japan really is how I thought it may be except it is strange to realize that not everyone LOVES anime and manga!!! Hahahaha! I am only kidding. People may think that everyone in America loves Beyoncé. Wait, everyone doesn't love Beyoncé? (I do!)

You should see the manga section of the bookstore in downtown Hamamatsu! It is manga heaven. Rachel must learn Japanese to read manga! I took my first class today and wow, that was intense. I took a class in Pensacola in July, but this class was one on one. Two full hours of one on one Japanese. My brain hurt afterwards. I had a sweet teacher though, her name is Fuji Sensei. Sensei=teacher.

The TV here is amazing. It's mind blowing. We watched this reality show the other day that was placed in this amusement park that looks like old Japan, I think the park may be called Edo Wonderland. Famous people were dressed up all ridiculous and they had to complete missions while also hiding from these "hunters"!!! They really called them hunters, or huntas. They looked like guys straight out of the Matrix, dressed all in black and wearing black sunglasses. It was hilarious how they would find the people...they would walk, yes walk, and then tag them. Yes, that's all. Tag them. The famous TV people were freaking out. They were very animated. I think they won something like 100 yen for every second they stayed in the game. Some of them got sent to jail. Awesome ^^? Hahaha!

It's true as well that everything comes in the vending machines. Hot drinks. Cold drinks. Beer. Cigarettes. Food. Whatever you like.

It's getting late, it's 10:00pm here! ;-) Goodnight America. Goodnight Japan. Goodnight world.

They have all been illuminated...by sparks.

2009-10-25T16:14:00.001-05:00

I leave for Japan in 3 sleeps and I am only taking one medium-sized bag. One thing that I was thinking about today is that everywhere I go, I fall in love with people. I don't think they even know, but I think of them all and remember them. They are in Australia, Thailand, Europe, America, South Korea, Mexico, and so yes, eeeeverywhere! Sometimes I just want to stay where some of them are, because I miss them so much. I miss the conversation, their quirky habits, their routines, and the way they laugh. And you know, at the same time, I will always be thankful for all those moments, days or years. They have shown me how big, creative, and loving this God is, my God is, this giant and yet, personal God. This friend, this lover, this Savior, what would I do without him? He brings it all together; he completes everything.

Let's think about Japan kids!

2009-10-17T13:12:00.002-05:00

So, this blog is about to turn into an adventure in Japan time!! I will keep you updated on the world of Japan and all that I know I will be learning. Wow, it's really happening.

amen.

2009-09-18T23:52:00.003-05:00

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
Song of Solomon 2:14

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life before Jesus and by that I mean life before choosing to love him. It is wonderful to have the choice to love, but I often feel that I had to love him. He found me in the middle of the chaos of this place, of this planet. He saw me. He didn't leave me alone, and he didn't let me leave him forever. There was a time when I thought I might. To this day, he doesn't stop. He shows up everywhere. He pushes me to want more. He gives me passion, and he is my freedom. Life without him is boring.

He is life. Anything without him will never be enough.

I love him. I love Jesus. I just can't help it. He is everything that I want to be.

I wanted to share this because I have never loved him as much as I do right now. In this moment, right now, I see how mysterious it all is. The mystery of just this moment. The past, a memory, and the future, unknown... So, right now, right now, I can live here. I am alive in this moment.

I love that Jesus finds people where they are. He comes again and again and again. The more I want him, the closer he gets. The closer he gets, the more beautiful everything gets. Everything.
Everything.

An island in the sea

2009-09-09T21:47:00.002-05:00

This great song that a friend of mine found makes me think of Japan. It reminds me that we were all created to worship. Then I found this verse...

Isaiah 24:15 Therefore in the east give glory to the Lord; exalt the name of the Lord, the God of Israel, in the islands of the sea.

Hamamatsu

2009-08-27T15:24:00.003-05:00

Japan, I look forward to meeting you.

It's good to dream

2009-08-09T15:14:00.006-05:00

Namiko Soman Sensei　なみこそうまん先生

2009-07-30T15:10:00.006-05:00

I am yours.

2009-07-27T23:11:00.006-05:00

I typed the Milky Way into Google images and this is the first picture that came up.
Isn't it...breathtaking?

When I was camping in Australia I saw the Milky Way almost every night. On a clear night on Pensacola beach, you can see it.

When I see the Milky Way, I want to cry. I want to stare at it forever. I cannot imagine what it will be like to see God when just seeing his creation can be so completely overwhelming.

Summer is a nice season.

2009-07-25T15:23:00.001-05:00

This is Joe Hisaishi. He creates beautiful music and has composed for Hayao Miyazaki's films.

2009-07-24T12:53:00.002-05:00

I love these friends that came to visit. The beach was so beautiful this past week and I think it may have been just for them.

日本語!!!!!!!!

2009-07-14T13:38:00.006-05:00

I have always wanted to learn another language. I often wonder what it was like when all people spoke the same language. Because now a people's language is a giant part of who they are. It lets us know if they are reserved or if they are flamboyant, polite or rude, and many other things too! Of course we are not all the same because we speak the same language but at the same time it is a part of who we are. French is BEAUTIFUL but for me everything is a huge tongue-twister. I have decided that I don't need to learn it to appreciate it. Thai is extreeeemely hard for me and I didn't feel passionate about it. Sadly, I have never desired to learn Spanish. I cannot remember anything from high school.

So, I began to think that maybe there just isn't a language out there for me to learn. Maybe I will never want to learn any of them. Then I remembered Japan and after visiting Thailand I started to think about Japan more. I have had an interest in Japan for a few years now but I became really interested after being away last year. So, I decided to take a Japanese class.

My teacher lives in Shinjuku in Tokyo. Her name is Soman Sensei. Sensei means teacher. She is the best teacher I have ever had. NO ONE teaches like her. She is passionate and she is funny. She draws giant round-headed characters on the board and then she stands in front of them and has a conversation. It is like they are talking to each other! The best part is that she ONLY speaks to us in Japanese and we have to figure it out, which strangely is fun! She teaches us origami and hiragana. She is kind and patient.

All of a sudden I feel like I am in a secret society. I know some Japanese! What is even better is that I LIKE it. I want to know more and more. It is like being opened up to a whole new world where Japanese words actually mean something and I know what some of them mean!

So, now I know that it isn't true. There is a language out there for me. Is there a language out there for you?!

Some recent thoughts

2009-07-11T00:10:00.002-05:00

So I decided to start tweeting which I vowed to not do. I don't have anything real important to say but I guess that is the fun of it. So right now I would say that I am enjoying life, really enjoying it. I think I have come to accept the fact that it's hard and I know that I will continue to accept that about life as I grow older and yet find more beauty in it too. I have learned through experience that wisdom is so essential to life. I have realized that each year I want to get better. I want to change as painful as it may be to change.

So here is the ideal...to be closer to 3 years old and closer to 80 years old all at the same time. The childlike faith. The beauty everywhere. Stopping for butterflies and dogs and pine cones. Really tasting every meal. Wide-eyed and aware and vulnerable. Along with the wisdom of a woman who sees years behind her and the moments that are highlighted in her mind are the moments of love. The ability to let everything else fall to the wayside, all the trivial things that seem so important. To have the patience to watch birds and to wait in line and to take my time.

It is a beautiful picture to me. God is so amazing and smart. I just want to think as he does because he thought all this up anyway. The babies and the old people and the nature and the patience and the birds...the birds that just do their own thing everyday. I have begun to notice the birds and they are fascinating creatures. I watch these little brids at the beach. They are little white birds and they fly around and all of a sudden one little lone bird will just dive into the ocean and then come up. I always wonder if they just do it for fun.

There is so much life going on all the time. I really like it all.

Speaking of birds, my twitter name is fatyellowbird!

2009-06-29T22:48:00.001-05:00

I don't know much

2009-06-19T23:26:00.003-05:00

I like Aaron Neville because he reminds me of my grandmother. She loves him and when I was little she listened to him all the time. I love how passionate she gets about things. I like how she plays a good song real loud. She loves Bruce Springsteen too. He makes me feel real proud to be American and I like that. My dad has always been the same way about music, guess he took after her. He feels music. I still remember when I was a kid and he played Marty Robbins tapes in the car. Marty always made me feel like I was out west somewhere and that I should be on a horse! And then there was the time that he bought the Last of the Mohicans soundtrack and then that was all we heard for a while! Wow that is a great one too. It made me feel like I was in the forest to fight for something I believed in. I love those memories. I love where music takes you. It is interesting that now I love to hear any of the music that they loved. When someone loves something they bring it to life. So, I guess that is what love is. It brings life. I want to do more of that. I just know that all Jesus did was spread life everywhere. I imagine flowers growing where he walked and dead people coming to life, out of the ground or something. I am realizing that I don't know much at all...but I know that I love him. Jesus that is. Speaking of Aaron Neville, he has got a great song called "I don't know much" that he sings with Linda Ronstadt. I think he is right, I think that may be all I need to know.

A sandwich

2009-05-27T10:15:00.002-05:00

I really love the old people that I see at work. I cannot help but pay attention to them because most of them are different. They are the ones who just want a sandwich. They don't want anything fancy. They don't need the four meat combo. They don't even need sweet tea and they are always surprised that a sandwich comes with a side. Some of them don't know what to do because they just came for a sandwich. That's all.

I can see that ordering a simple barbeque sandwich makes them very happy.

As they wait for their sandwich, they sit down as if they have all the time in the world and they patiently wait. Maybe they do have all the time in the world and maybe they do not. It doesn't matter either way. It matters that I notice them. What matters is that I can learn from them.

I could listen to Bon Iver all day long...

2009-05-03T20:35:00.002-05:00

Is "wisdom" supposed to be funny?

2009-04-28T19:03:00.003-05:00

I love when God gives people the opportunity to make things right, to do things again. Second chances. Third chances. It can be humbling and comical. What matters through it all is that you do it right, make it right. It doesn't matter how many times it takes you. It does save you some pain to do it right the first time, but other than that it doesn't matter. God just wants to open our eyes.

I think it is one of my favorite things about God, he doesn't think the way that the world thinks. I love it. Love LOVE love it. I need to remember it all the time! When I stop taking myself so seriously, I have to laugh. I want to laugh more.

The child inside never dies! To be that child all the time is freedom. I desire to walk in that freedom. The more I let in sink in that life is not about "appearances"- but about truth- the more I will live out the person that God has made me to be. The being he created before I was even born.

Because what appears isn't always what is...

Because I didn't get it all right the first time...

Because I am having to swallow my pride and yet hold my head up high...

I am learning to be a patient woman. I did ask for patience! ha!

Obviously my life is my experience. It is where I have been in the physical, spiritual, and emotional- because of where I have been, I really do know now that everyone deserves to be seen from the inside. There is no place that we "should" or "should not" be. There is just where we are. It is a perfect place to be because it is where we can start.

1 Corinthians 1:27-29

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹so that no one may boast before him.

What is beautiful to me right now, right now, is that God just wants us to trust him- even when we look weak and even when we look foolish, even when we are weak and even when we are foolish.

He is beautifully and wonderfully God... and that will never stop.

Susan Boyle

2009-04-19T14:39:00.003-05:00

Her voice is stunning and I love that God gave it to her. I hope she gets to use it from now on. The song she sings is from Les Miserables.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Something about her confidence and her voice inspires me to want to live right.

There is no place like home.

2009-03-10T23:04:00.004-05:00

I am in America now. My home. The past seven months were wonderful. They were life changing. My eyes were opened to a world that I did not know existed beyond reading the newspapers. It became real. The faces of all the people that I have met are in my mind. All of the beautiful children and the people last month in Switzerland, the ones that have dedicated their lives to love people in the places that no one wants to go. They have become a part of me.

The hardest thing that has happened in the past seven months was coming home. Much has changed in this country since I left and although I am not afraid of the future, I do feel the pain. I believe that pain is always felt more when it hits home, when it hits you.

One of the most valuable things that I am learning (I do not want to speak too quick!) is that truth is found in pain. I know that this goes against being human. But I believe it. There is no truth that I learned, that I really learned, without feeling pain. I want to avoid pain at all costs. I want to fix it. I want it to go away. Sometimes there is nothing else that a person can do but feel it. It is noble to feel it and it is noble to face it.

If pain makes you bitter, then you have missed the point and if pain makes you change, then you know God. Wisdom lives there. I do not want to miss it. I want to know God.

I see so much wisdom in my father. I have never heard him talk about faith, real faith. I have already heard him repeat something several times and that is when I know he really believes it.

He says, "These days, I will not survive without faith."

He used to, he used to survive without faith.

There is so much beauty in that statement. Do you see it?

To stick with God when it is hard is so beautiful. I have not always done it but today is a new day. God is the same God who loves endlessly.

What does it mean to love? I believe that who and what I love is found in the middle of my pain. Things do not always seem clear when there are no challenges in life and in relationships. Who am I in the middle of a challenge and what do I love now?

In the middle of death, Jesus loved us. I may never face pain as intense as his pain but when he stayed with us in the middle of it, he showed me that his love is real. It is the truth.

So, I too want to have faith. Need to have faith. So, I am sticking with God. I am going to do what he has told me to do. I am terribly flawed and he is my only hope. He is my God.

Hebrews 12:18-24

You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, because they could not bear what was commanded: "If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned."The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, "I am trembling with fear."

But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

Heartbeats

2009-01-26T22:17:00.002-06:00

I haven't written in months but it's been a busy time. This is the beginning and life will never be the same. This experience with these 9 people is almost over but this is the beginning of me and God. My friend Ali and I were talking and it's as if a bottle has been opened. A bottle that is full of new life, love and the mysteries of our God.

He is endless and I want to go on this endless journey with Him. I want to know His thoughts, His dreams and His heart. I want to see His kingdom come.

When I look at the sky at night and watch the clouds slowly cover the stars- it's as if He is sweeping over us all. Covering us, watching us, bleeding for us- bleeding love. His vast universe that speaks nothing but mystery and beauty constantly. And He made it all for us.

It's almost like I saw Him hovering over everything before any of us were and He could feel all of our heartbeats. Pulsating, beating over the face of everything. We all beat for Him. The quiet nights in the darkest places in this earth. The sky beats for Him. Our bodies beat for Him. As the dust rolls over the land in Africa- it beats for Him. It cries out to Him.

Because we are His. We always have been. I always have been.

He's moving over now, His Spirit, moving over the face of the earth. Calling out- feeling everything and longing to cover us in love. Drench us in love.

So I have learned that I cannot know Him enough. I need more of Him because the second I think I am ok, I am not.

I never want to be ok.

When I listen to this song, I feel Him say that this is how He feels about us. We are His children and He wants us to come home. He hears our heartbeat.

Here I come Australia!!

2008-08-18T16:05:00.005-05:00

I am barely taking anything on this trip which is real crazy for me. It's exciting this way though!! The stuff doesn't matter for once. I'm just taking what I need and what I would be more that happy to leave behind. Except my computer but I have decided that if I don't return with it for whatever reason, it will be fine too!
Tomorrow I am off to a 23 hour journey in the sky.

Stuart and Courtney's wedding was the sweetest, purest thing I have ever witnessed. The love was intense. I talk about love a lot but I really believe in love. God is love and love is God. When there is love there is God. I'm learning that when you love God, you cannot do anything but love people.

I am very thankful that He gave me some sweet moments full of love while in Boone because He didn't have to. He is so kind. I love that He believes so much in forgiveness and reconciliation. I believe in it too. God's love is stronger than any sin. I love that! Because it means that God always wins. In the end love always wins. So, He is teaching me to trust Him more than ever. I thought I trusted Him and I thought that maybe I'd already learned this one. I don't know if I can ever trust Him enough.
So, here we go...let's jump.
Let's fly.
I want to trust Him more!

Getting closer

2008-08-14T11:53:00.003-05:00

On Wednesday I'm flying across the EARTH! wow!!
I'll try to write about it on here.
This is going to be a great time and not just for me, for us all!
It's a time of lots of new beginnings.

A Father, A King

2008-07-17T11:33:00.003-05:00

It's so important to hear your Father say, "I'm so proud of you."
It's important to hear those words from anyone really. There is so much encouragement in that simple sentence.

God our Father is proud of His children.
I love that He relates Himself to us as a Father. A lot of people have been hurt by fathers, so it's real hard for some to see Him that way. He wants to be the perfect Father for everyone- for the world. He wants to heal hearts so that all can see Him that way.

I was blessed with this amazing earthly Father. I was looking back at a poem that he wrote me in May of this year. It's called Always.

Man's heart is deceitful above all things.
When you learn this first-hand, it just sucks.
But, for you's, the love of family, and more, a King.
So, my, my, kiddo, aren't you in luck.
Cry. Then remember. Always.

All we got to do is love the King- then we're all in luck.
It seems so simple, but I often forget.
Just love the King and know He's proud of you.

This isn't our home.

2008-07-11T15:17:00.004-05:00

I am going to Australia for real for real now. I have the visa and the ticket. The closer it gets, the more peace the Lord gives me.

I can't explain with words how thankful I am that He brought me back to Him. This time it really did feel like being born. I was slimy and I was screaming. He heard me. It's like He took me, put me in a little warmer, and put my little hat on. He gave me a new mind and He said, everything is going to be alright because now you are really alive. At the same time, I had this broken heart. I thought I knew what it was to have one, but I had no idea until this time. Having a broken heart is like having a nightmare except you can't wake up and go to the bathroom and thank God that it wasn't real. Strangely, I am thankful that I had that broken heart because I now understand that no one knows what it's like to have a broken heart unless you've had one. Every time I hear about someone who has a broken heart, I feel so much compassion that I could cry. I never felt that way before.

Jesus often reminds me that He has a broken heart. He always has a broken heart. It's broken for us all. I rejected him and I said I don't love you. He has heard every hurtful thing that has ever been spoken between a man and a woman. It's all been spoken to Him. He came to give life to this hurt world and I didn't want His life. And He kept loving me and He keeps loving us all.

His body is broken and His flesh is raw. In this extreme pain, He is still broken-hearted for us, loving us, praying for us. This world doesn't want Him but He wants this world. Every last one.
Every day, He continues to not be loved by people. People that He wants to just talk to and to know and to love. The way I feel for people on earth is how He must feel times a thousand. It's like a love story except that she never returns to Him. But the best part of a love story is when the man's long lost love returns. Jesus is that man and He is excited. He rejoices. I imagine angels everywhere. I bet they are so excited when any human just looks at Jesus and says, "I love you." I bet it's like a party. All the hurt and rejection doesn't matter to Him. All that matters is that we're His and He's wanted us since before we were born.

Looks at all these nebulas

2008-07-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

I want to see a nebula up close!!!

2008-07-09T10:32:00.002-05:00

It's all happening so fast!

Everything is changing and it's exciting. I'm trying to just take it a day at a time otherwise it becomes overwhelming. The fourth was pretty fun. The best part was sliding off that tall waterfall and swimming down lover's lane as a thunderstorm approached. I am beginning to think that it's exhilarating to do things that scare me. I never thought that before. I am realizing that I'm going to be ok so I might as well do it.

Jesus came to give us life and growing up I didn't know what that meant. I thought it just meant heaven after death. He means heaven now. Often times I feel like I'm constantly choosing life or death. Anxiety, fear, self-hatred, confusion- it's all death. It's so easy to feel these things and agree with them and want to just ride it. I've done it many times in life. These things bring so much death that they can kill a person. I used to believe that there was this in between place that I could dwell. This semi-depressed place that brought out the creativity in me. It was a lie though. I think it's a common belief among people that need to create. Death is death is death is death. Why create out of death when you can create out of life? Out of Heaven. Why live dead when you can live alive?

Heaven is here. It's in us.

Redemption and grace are so beautiful because the Lord can use any hell a person has gone through to bring life to another. Many of us have to go through hell to get to life and it's a picture of grace. He is so kind and He is so beautiful.

The most beautiful creation came out of love. This world. All the people and animals. The universe with countless galaxies, stars, and nebulas! It's really crazy when I stop to think about it. Our Father is so cool.

He is the best artist and the best person.

LOVE!

2008-06-13T11:16:00.004-05:00

I hear loved talked about more now than ever.
The kind of love that changes your life.
Makes you less of you and more of Him.
The kind of love that burns you up.

This has always been what life is about, this love.
Right now, more than ever before, He's calling us to a deeper love.
To be the kind of love that He gives.
To be selfless love.
When I really think about this, it means He's calling us to not be in this flesh anymore at all.
To live so much in Him and to love so much through Him that we are no longer us.
We are Him in us.
To be like Enoch.
It makes me feel like my head might explode!
And its what I want more than anything.

God let me learn the hard way that love in this world runs out.
I cannot give love that I don't have.
True love doesn't exist anywhere but in Him.
His love sows seeds deep into the hearts of man.
And deep into each other.
Those seeds last forever.
Long after we have all left this earth.
When I wasn't letting His love change me and bear fruit in my life- it was the closest thing that I know to feeling dead.
Unable to give or receive love.

What was/is life without this love. This selfless pure love?!
I LOVE it!

I love Mates of State!

2008-05-22T07:51:00.002-05:00

Love, love
Don't lose love

Love, love
Don't lose love

Rearrange us!!

OOOooooooo

Rearrange us!!

OOOooooooo

There is hope, there is always hope

2008-05-20T07:22:00.002-05:00

Before I opened the Bible this morning, I asked God to show me something that I needed to read. I opened to this and it was perfect. The next chapter is great too.
The world is such a depressing place without the Lord. There is so much pain. In my spirit, I can feel the pain across the ocean. The pain of millions of people across Burma and China.
Broken families and broken hearts.
The only peace that comes in my heart for those people is from God.
I cannot understand but He gives us the Kingdom.
The Kingdom is in us.
There is hope in this and it's our only hope.
Hope for His finished work.

Ecclesiastes 11
1 Cast your bread upon the waters,
for after many days you will find it again.
2 Give portions to seven, yes to eight,
for you do not know what disaster may come upon the land.
3 If clouds are full of water,
they pour rain upon the earth.
Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
in the place where it falls, there will it lie.
4 Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.
5 As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
6 Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let not your hands be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well.
Remember Your Creator While Young
7 Light is sweet,
and it pleases the eyes to see the sun.
8 However many years a man may live,
let him enjoy them all.
But let him remember the days of darkness,
for they will be many.
Everything to come is meaningless.
9 Be happy, young man, while you are young,
and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.
Follow the ways of your heart
and whatever your eyes see,
but know that for all these things
God will bring you to judgment.
10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart
and cast off the troubles of your body,
for youth and vigor are meaningless.

A faithful painter.

2008-05-15T22:46:00.008-05:00

I am thankful.
I am very thankful.
I am excited about the future.
I have no idea what is next.
I am enjoying the present.

This present.

Every day and every person truly is a gift.
The most wonderful people that I have ever met in my life live in this town.
This small funny town.
Boone, North Carolina.
For that Boone, North Carolina, I love you.

The Lord doesn't move in straight lines.
He's crazy!
And He's good.

Sometimes He seems like a painter. Painting on a giant canvas.
And it's a life and I look at it and think, this painting sucks.
What is it? Is that a person? Why is everything blue? Is it a swimming pool?

I don't know what He's painting. He knows what He is painting.
For everyone. Each one.
Sometimes a painting cannot be looked at until it's done.
Just watch the painter.

I was told two months ago that God wanted to show me true peace.
I did not think it was possible because I had never known it.
Each day it becomes more real.
The peace in my heart.
It's a flowing stream and it's an ocean.
I let Him live there in the past, but not in all the rooms.
There were rooms that were my rooms.
Now He goes in the rooms and He messes them up.

I am in the ocean and each day I am able to dive a little deeper, swim out a little further.
God didn't change this year. I changed.
God didn't change last year. I changed.

Happiness.
A feeling. An emotion. An illusion.
It leaves.

Joy.
The steady river in my heart.
The place that God is teaching me to live.
It stays.

(Raz should be in bed...)

So much thankfulness, joy, and peace flooded my heart tonight.
It does every day.
I pray it does every day until I die.
Without Him and without all the wonderful things about Him working in my life, I am gross.

Love.
He is love.
I want to be love.
Make this human nothing but love.
Make all these humans nothing but love!

Snot blossom

2008-04-30T22:06:00.004-05:00

I was just thinking about boogers and they are interesting. I stopped for a moment and thought only about boogers...I started to wonder, what are boogers? This goo in my nose, it's almost like it comes from nowhere. How do they even exist in my nose? They have such an important little job and it makes them special. Now when I blow my nose, I'm going to try to remember that this little booger kept some stuff out of my lungs. So I probably shouldn't eat them. Then it makes me wonder, why were they ever fun to eat? Maybe it's because gooey stuff is fun to eat, like gummy bears.

I remember really enjoying boogers. I also remember the girl in my 4th grade class who enjoyed them. She covered her nose with one hand while she picked them with the other. What was her logic? We all knew what was going on.

My dad called me snot blossom as a small child. I was always fond on that nickname because it made me laugh and because it was strange. Only a really great man relates his daughter to boogers.

2008-04-23T07:42:00.002-05:00

The Lord is teaching me a buttload, I just cannot seem to put it all into words lately. I believe that may be because it is so overwhelming that I cannot comprehend it all just yet. I constantly am feeling like a bucket of water was just dumped on my head and the only thing I know is that I'm wet.
“You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.”
Winnie the Pooh
I would like to watch this movie because I've never seen it. This quote made me real happy.

Give it up.

2008-04-08T22:05:00.000-05:00

Trust...
A few weeks ago when I went home, I spoke with my father about trust. He has always struggled with trusting God. I believe that for some people trusting God is knowing that you cannot trust him. No pain, no hurt, no uncertainty. He lets it pour so hard sometimes to make us stronger.

Complain or take it with faith? I want to ask you why, why, why?!
More than questioning God, I would rather have faith that when he crushes my world, he still knows what he's doing.
He didn't stop being God because he allowed me to feel some pain.
I like what John Mark McMillan says, "I'm not afraid of the rain, the pain, things are gonna change, I can feel it in my veins."
I believe it's true that after pain comes blessings and joy (and change!).

I like Job. It seemed so illogical right? He didn't seem to deserve all that pain.
God blessed that man so much at the end of the book of Job.

"The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first." -Job 42:12
"After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. And so he died, old and full of years." -Job 42:16-17
I almost cried when I read that part.

Isn't that beautiful. Old, and full of years. It can seem so impossible at times.
There is so much more.
To live with it all in mind. The white canvas that will someday be a beautiful painting.
A painting of love.
A painting of my life.

Rubber bands, broken hearts, and perfect love

2008-04-01T12:57:00.000-05:00

I love to read others writing and felt inspired to write a little myself. Last night was a wonderful night with friends! I love how God refines us and I never thought I'd be able to say those words. I'm learning that everything he allows in our lives is for a specific purpose. If I truly am His child (which I am it's just the believing it part) then it all has a purpose. Now is a time when so many of us really do feel that we are being stretched like rubber bands that are about to break.

We are not to break but to shoot off in the sky and that's just cool.

I've never felt like peaceful person inside. Ever since I was young, I've had a restless spirit. I've always loved life, seen it as a blessing, and yet felt discontent if I was not doing something, anything. I'm learning to rest in the peace that really does pass all understanding. There is no earthly reason that I should feel at peace in life because nothing is at peace. And I'm okay with it. My heart may be broken but my spirit is not.

Court told me to read something a few weeks ago, something that Suzy Yaraei had written on her website. It was her marriage testimony. She told Jesus that she didn't want to go through a long courtship only to find out that this man wasn't the one Lord had for her. She didn't want to end up with a broken heart. What He told her was powerful. He said, “Why not? Why are you afraid of a broken heart? Broken hearts make you more like Me, and that is the most important aspect of your walk with Me – you being changed into My image.” Then she gave it all to Jesus and said that if she falls and breaks, she'll always have Him.

The words Jesus spoke to her run through my mind daily.
He speaks to me daily about faith also. Faith that if a human parent can give their child good things, then so much more our heavenly Father can give.

He took what was in my mind, my future, and he crushed it. Out of love. Because I'm His child. And because He is my Father.

I've seen more beauty in this world in a month than I have in my life before that point.
I have to really want to see Him to see Him. To really see Him. Everything He has for us all.
And He's beautiful. More beautiful than the most glorious mountains, oceans, and sunsets. He's everything good in this world and He's more beautiful than all of it combined.
I cannot comprehend it, it's just overwhelming.
The brightest shining light in the world. Taking over everything dark.
I see everyone on earth standing, looking into the sky and the light is so bright that no one can see anything but Him.
Wow.